Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Jellie and I got very drunk last week and had a hugely deep and meaningful about relationships and things, and there is one point that really stands out for me: up until Him, I have never had a boyfriend I wasn’t unfaithful to at least once (though at risk of coming across as a real superbitch, I should add that I’m including kissing as unfaithfulness in this arena). Therefore, I wilfully destroyed, or at least had a large hand in the destruction of, all of my past relationships.

It took me a very long time to tell Him this, obviously, for fear He would instantly dump me on the grounds of inevitable future cheating. However I should point out that I am NOT planning to cheat on Him at any time ever. I should also point out that a lot of the cheating was because I used to base my self-esteem entirely on how many people wanted to sleep with me at any given time. I don’t do that any more. Well, okay, I do, but it’s not the ONLY measure I use for self-esteem these days!

However, the main reason I find myself dwelling on this is that self-destructing all of your relationships does make you look back in calmer times and start ‘what-if’ing. Or, in my case, looking up ex-boyfriends on Google. Which, of course, is not in any way being unfaithful, but I do feel a bit guilty because I know I’d be pissed off if I found out He was doing the same. Though all His exes were skanks, and I doubt He remembers any of their full names anyway.

So, today I have been mainly googling the men of my past. And what did I find out? Well, one of them is still a pro rugby player, but that’s hardly a surprise seeing as he was one when we were shagging. Another was taken to court for benefit fraud and featured in the local paper when he was found guilty, but he was a total bastard so ha de ha ha! And another is now a Community Police Officer doing lovely things for local schools and stuff like that. Which is weird because he was NEVER on the right side of the law when I knew him!

And the ex I liked best (not much competition mind you, so it’s not as much of a compliment as it might sound, though it IS a compliment nonetheless) is working for a university in the States, which is of course spookily similar to what I’m doing. Well, it would be if there weren’t thousands of universities all over the world requiring tens of thousands of staff! But hey, a nice little bit of karmic coincidence is always good.

The rest I couldn’t find – either because they have common names or because they are un-newsworthy. Or, of course, because I still know what some of them are up to and thus have no need to google. But the whole exercise gave me a mixed feeling of calm and guilt. Calm because the ones I hurt or treated badly are clearly, or at least hopefully, doing fine. Guilt because, well, should you still worry about people from the distant past when you're now happily married? Especially if you treated them at the time like disposable ego boosts...