Picture This
I was trying to put together a photo board of pictures of me and various friends from the last 5 years or so. Went through the big box of photos that sits under my writing desk, and actually found myself rather tortured by the experience. Obviously, of course, the fact that I was quite a bit thinner a couple of years ago, but also, I came across a few photos that rather shook me up.
Firstly, a photo of me and Beano* looking frighteningly beautiful and hedonistic, lotus eating at some point in 2001. It's bizarre because I haven't thought about him for ages, but looking at that picture catapulted me straight back into those days of darkness, guilt and selfishness.
*Beano is the male version of me - we fucked for a year during 2001/2 up until just before I met Him. I cheated on two boyfriends with him. He is irresistible, dangerous, and a terrifyingly bad influence. I was so infatuated with him I thought I'd die from it.
Honestly, for a moment or two I felt myself becoming the person I was then, and it frightened me. I could see him, feel him, practically taste him, as though he was right there in the room with me. I suppose there are some ghosts we can never quite exorcise.
Secondly, a picture of me and Nambo at a fancy dress party, arms round each other, faces pressed together. He is one of my best friends, so it's understandable, but then the next picture in the box, obviously taken later in the evening, shows Nambo and I in a corner, talking intently, faces so close together as to be almost kissing, looking like the lovers we never quite were. That was the moment that we finally acknowledged, and dismissed, the way we really felt about each other. It was/is still completely the right decision. It was/is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He was the person who held my hand as I was preparing to walk down the aisle, and the person I will always look to for support, but in another world... oh dammit, this introspection and playing 'what ifs' isn't going to help anyone.
I love Him, and I have never doubted or regretted that. But god, sometimes the sacrifices are hard.
Firstly, a photo of me and Beano* looking frighteningly beautiful and hedonistic, lotus eating at some point in 2001. It's bizarre because I haven't thought about him for ages, but looking at that picture catapulted me straight back into those days of darkness, guilt and selfishness.
*Beano is the male version of me - we fucked for a year during 2001/2 up until just before I met Him. I cheated on two boyfriends with him. He is irresistible, dangerous, and a terrifyingly bad influence. I was so infatuated with him I thought I'd die from it.
Honestly, for a moment or two I felt myself becoming the person I was then, and it frightened me. I could see him, feel him, practically taste him, as though he was right there in the room with me. I suppose there are some ghosts we can never quite exorcise.
Secondly, a picture of me and Nambo at a fancy dress party, arms round each other, faces pressed together. He is one of my best friends, so it's understandable, but then the next picture in the box, obviously taken later in the evening, shows Nambo and I in a corner, talking intently, faces so close together as to be almost kissing, looking like the lovers we never quite were. That was the moment that we finally acknowledged, and dismissed, the way we really felt about each other. It was/is still completely the right decision. It was/is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He was the person who held my hand as I was preparing to walk down the aisle, and the person I will always look to for support, but in another world... oh dammit, this introspection and playing 'what ifs' isn't going to help anyone.
I love Him, and I have never doubted or regretted that. But god, sometimes the sacrifices are hard.
posted by Mookmoo at 6:04 pm
3 Comments:
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