The Mookmoo Diet

Ways I have lost weight in the past:

1. Vodka and Ricecakes Diet: Eat unlimited quantities of ricecakes and drink unlimited quantities of vodka. Don’t eat anything else.

Pros: Losing half a stone in a week and fitting into a posh frock for Grad Ball

Cons: Being permanently drunk and smelling of ricecakes

2. Workaholic Diet: Be late with your dissertation and live in the computer centre, only eating from the vending machines (chocolate and coffee), then drown your sorrows in the evening with a bottle of wine. Duration: four weeks.

Pros: Losing two stone in four weeks

Cons: Caffeine shakes, dizziness, spending 12 hours a day in a room with geeks.

3. Yoga Diet: Irritate your friends by eating only health food, doing lots of yoga, and refusing fatty food or alcohol with a superior smirk.

Pros: Healthy body, healthy mind

Cons: You turn into an irritating, boring arsehole. And everyone tells you so.

4. Extracurricular Shagging Diet: Cheat on your boyfriend (no, not Him, an ex) with a hedonistic sex god. Feel too guilty to eat, but get exercise by shagging in exotic positions for hours at a time.

Pros: Lots of sex, lots of alcohol, lots of hedonistic behaviour

Cons: Lots of guilt, and at least one person is going to end up hating you


Ways I am trying to lose weight now:

Sensibly. Yawn. Damn Him and his ‘being dizzy from hunger isn’t healthy’. I used to like hunger dizziness. It was like being on drugs for free.