The Past Is A Foreign Country
I don't know if it's getting married, or it being a new year, or what, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the past. Or more accurately, my past.
The person I was three years ago seems so different to who I am now, and equally different to three years before that. I look back and I can barely recognise myself. I wonder if being in a relationship does this to you, or if it's a natural side effect of the ageing process.
Up until now I felt as though I was making constant progress in this - the person I was at school morphed into the confident watersports instructor, which morphed again into the student me... but then I met Him and I almost feel, terribly, as though in some ways i'm going backwards.
What He can't understand is that for him, being defined as a musician, as a joker, as a mate, as a good listener is all compatible with being married. But what used to define me, rightly or wrongly, was that I was the flirty one, the sexy one, the life and soul of the party... and that doesn't sit nearly as comfortably with my new role as a married woman.
I feel like I've lost a bit of myself somewhere, and this quest to find myself again, in the context of marriage, can only be doomed to failure if I'm still lusting after the life I used to have, and the person I used to be. Especially where I'm looking back with rose tinted spectacles on the whole affair. Because of course I wasn't happy all the time, I had plenty of problems, actual and emotional, and there were a lot of Bad Days.
But now... I feel like I've almost been so busy being a part of Him&Me that I've forgotten how to just be Me. I've lost her, and I want her back!
So this is my real New Years resolution... I want that super-fit body back, I want that confident sexiness back, I want that 'don't give a damn, live for the moment' attitude back, and I want to know who I am again. BUT I want to find a version of myself which slots into the other role in my life, as part of Him&Me, because don't get me wrong - I certainly don't want to go back to life before Him - I just want to make a life with Him, instead of as part of Him.
That's got to be a big enough challenge to be getting on with.
xx
The person I was three years ago seems so different to who I am now, and equally different to three years before that. I look back and I can barely recognise myself. I wonder if being in a relationship does this to you, or if it's a natural side effect of the ageing process.
Up until now I felt as though I was making constant progress in this - the person I was at school morphed into the confident watersports instructor, which morphed again into the student me... but then I met Him and I almost feel, terribly, as though in some ways i'm going backwards.
What He can't understand is that for him, being defined as a musician, as a joker, as a mate, as a good listener is all compatible with being married. But what used to define me, rightly or wrongly, was that I was the flirty one, the sexy one, the life and soul of the party... and that doesn't sit nearly as comfortably with my new role as a married woman.
I feel like I've lost a bit of myself somewhere, and this quest to find myself again, in the context of marriage, can only be doomed to failure if I'm still lusting after the life I used to have, and the person I used to be. Especially where I'm looking back with rose tinted spectacles on the whole affair. Because of course I wasn't happy all the time, I had plenty of problems, actual and emotional, and there were a lot of Bad Days.
But now... I feel like I've almost been so busy being a part of Him&Me that I've forgotten how to just be Me. I've lost her, and I want her back!
So this is my real New Years resolution... I want that super-fit body back, I want that confident sexiness back, I want that 'don't give a damn, live for the moment' attitude back, and I want to know who I am again. BUT I want to find a version of myself which slots into the other role in my life, as part of Him&Me, because don't get me wrong - I certainly don't want to go back to life before Him - I just want to make a life with Him, instead of as part of Him.
That's got to be a big enough challenge to be getting on with.
xx
posted by Mookmoo at 11:54 am
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