An Open Letter to Natwest

Dear Managing Director of Natwest,

I understand from having worked in a bank myself that the minimum standard of maths knowledge for bank staff is usually GCSE Maths, and sometimes you don’t even ask for that. So assuming that you may not have a mathematical brain, let me explain this to you slowly.

If I am £0.51 short on a Direct Debit that needs to go from my account, you charge me, instantly, without delay or warning, £35.

Now, where does this £35 go? It’s an ‘admin’ fee is it? Right. So what does the computer which automatically processes, rejects, and places charges on Direct Debits do with that £35? Does it keep it in a special account to buy pretty new cables, or perhaps a risqué new font or two?

Perhaps I’m being unfair. Maybe the work is done manually. When I worked as processing staff in a bank, I was paid £7 an hour (that’s before tax). But slow though I may have been on my more hungover days, I don’t recall it ever taking 5 hours to bounce a direct debit and extort a charge.

Now you see, other banks actually send a letter when they bounce a DD. It’s quite a detailed letter too, usually, explaining the details and why it was bounced, and giving prior warning of the charges it will take from you at the end of the month. Now that I could see taking a portion of the £35. What with typing, and posting, and holding off on putting that charge on. Not to mention the time of the people in the call centre whose number is given out on the letter so that I can ring them to discuss.

But do Natwest do that? No. So, please, illuminate me as to what my £35 is paying for. I’d really like to know. In fact, I’d like a breakdown, to the penny, of exactly what ‘admin’ I am paying for.

Maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe it’s not an admin charge at all. Maybe it’s a deterrent/punishment. Yes, because that would work well. Let’s go back to our sum:

So far, I’ve bounced a DD and am now £35.51 short. But of course, you putting the charge on instantly has taken me over my overdraft limit. So that’s another £28. Let’s add that up… so I’m now £63.51 short. That’s right, you’ve just cost me £63.

So that’s perhaps supposed to be some kind of punishment. Right, okay. So you punish people for not having enough money, by making them even more short of money than they were before.

Now, I’d like you to do me a favour. Please turn on your computer, open up whichever accounts database you use, and take a look at my account. Do I look like I have a lot coming in? No. Do I have anything left in there after my bills are paid? No. Do you see those incoming transfers from Paypal? Those are from when I sell my belongings on Ebay to make up the extra cash we need for bills.

Now, explain to me where you think I can get £63 from? Seriously, I’d love to know! Do you perhaps think I have a money tree in my back garden? Or that I am secretly an heiress, or a lottery winner? Or do you just not give a toss?

I hope you’ve really gotten pleasure out of the hell you’ve put me through over the last six months. I hope that you’ve laughed long and hard at every phone call from me and my husband which your call centre operators have sneered at, ignored, and blankly refused to help with. I hope that you watched the CC TV footage of me breaking down into tears in the lobby of your bank when once again I couldn’t find a single member of staff willing to even talk to me, let alone help me or offer any practical solutions. I hope you really enjoyed that one.

Natwest – ‘another way’ to give yourself a nervous breakdown.

Yours in loathing and contempt,

Mookmoo