He Gives Me Fever

He is ill at home with a head cold, and I think I'm coming down with the same. But it will not succeed, oh no, because LotusMomma arrives tommorrow lunchtime, and I refuse to be ill. I don't care if I'm ill next week, but not this weekend please!

Have a fun packed schedule for LotusMomma, which includes a girlie lunch tomorrow, and a shopping day on Saturday. Of course I have no money, but that's besides the point.

Speaking of which, I'm debating over whether to come clean about the £35,000 worth of debt or not. On one hand, she is my mother and probably would want to know. On the other hand, she is my mother and she'll shout/cry/get upset with me. Hmmmm...

In other news, pay day tomorrow. Of course, it all goes straight on bills, but at least we're meeting them. Just. I'm actually quite optimistic about it all - it will feel like a significant relief to be able to look at the bank statement and see everything paid up to date, even if it leaves no cash for play (and even if a small Ebay-raised top-up is needed).

But anyway, never mind about all that. We'll muddle through, we always do.

What A Girl Wants

I am feeling decidedly pissy this week.

Work is godawful, we're hanging about waiting for payday, my skin has broken out hideously for no apparent reason, and I am having insomnia again.

I need a week off, some expensive skincare products, a nutritionist, £2000 to spend on new clothes, and a haircut.

Oh, and a secretary to do my photocopying and filing.

Not too much to ask is it?

Alternatively, I'd settle for a good night's sleep and a sudden cash injection of £200 or so, just to cushion us a bit.

I'm getting sick of eveything being so HARD! I feel some 'new months resolutions' coming on... Either that or a nervous bloody breakdown!

Mardy Mardi

Evening plans to resuscitate self from work-induced coma:

Go home

Drink wine

Eat pizza

Sleep

It's sad, but right now that is the only thought getting me through today.

A Spaniard, A Sulk, And A Sofa

Had an unexpected evening out on Friday. He went out after work for some drinks with His Spanish cousin, who for the purposes of this blog we'll call Signor Smarm. I was settling in for an evening on the sofa with a bottle of wine, when Signor S called me and persuaded me that as he was paying for everything, I should come down and join them.

So, faster than you can say 'vod and ton please Tag', I was in the bar and necking 'free' drinks. The downside? Signor S was heavily on the pull, and we ended up with five girls at our table as well, all of them being granted the affections of Singor S. Thank god, then, for Piano Man, who I managed to persuade to stay on the train home from London and jump off in our little part of the world to join the party.

Therefore while He tried to keep Signor S vaguely under control, Piano Man and I curled up on a big leather sofa in the corner and people watched. It wasn't the best evening out I've had, but free drinks can't be sniffed at, even if they are being bought by an award winning letch.

He sulked all day Saturday because He had a monster hangover, and I wouldn't give Him sympathy. In fact, having found out that before all the booze on Friday all He'd drunk during the day were two cups of tea, I made Him drink rehydration salts. Yes, I'm evil, but it worked (once He'd forgiven me for the rank taste).

Once He was more recovered on Sunday, He decided to help me clean the house (for the arrival of Lotus Momma next weekend), which in fact consisted of Him not actually doing any cleaning, but moving all the furniture around instead. I would complain, but it looks really good so there's not much protesting I can do...

So that was our weekend. I'm now being tipped head first into a week of hell-at-work, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't post too often. Lotus Momma's visit at the weekend should be good for a few column inches though, so I will post next Monday, if not before.

Have a good week y'all!

xx

R&R

Yay!

Just had a text from Nambo. My favourite marine is coming home for the summer in 2 weeks time! Hurrah! Lots of brotherly love for me! (And it means Cliffhanger will probably be on leave too!)

What I need right now is some serious beer garden time with my lovely Nambo, Cliffhanger, and co. Nothing like being treated like a princess and given lots of bear hugs to make a girl feel special!

So far, today has been a very good day. Closure on Beano, the imminent return of Nambo, the heat has eased up a bit and my humidity headache has gone, and money looks to be a wee bit more sorted as well as we move into August.

Mookmoo in good mood shocker!

xx

Closure

This Beano thing is ridiculous. It ended over four years ago, for crying out loud. From now on I am going to behave like an adult, and just forget about him.

He doesn't hate me anymore, apparently, so that is good.

So if we don't hate each other any more, and we certainly don't love each other any more, then that must provide an adequate amount of closure.

It's over. A few years later than it should have been, but hell, if it means I can finally leave it behind, then that's got to be good.

I feel like my brain's been malfunctioning the last little while. I don't know if it was the heat, or the desire to escape from the difficulties of life at present, or what. But I feel calm now.

Onwards and upwards, hopefully.

Textual Frustration

Still haven't written anything. I actually got so far as opening up the novel on my screen yesterday, then freaked out and shut it down again. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I keep having fantastic ideas - just little snippets of conversation, or a new twist to the plot, but then when it comes to actually trying to write the novel... I can't do it.

Bloody ridiculous really, isn't it? My problem used to be that I never had enough time to write all the ideas that were desperate to get onto paper. Now I have time, but no confidence or creativity.

Dreamt about Beano again last night. His face haunts my dreams, and now it's spilling into my waking thoughts as well.

Maybe I should see him.

Probably not though.

Happiness Is...

I'm not unhappy, you know.

I've just read back some of the posts lately, and I feel like I've come across as unhappy. Which I'm not. I'm just... discontent. I'm needing a change again, or something.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's clarity from being away on holiday and having to come back to things. I mean, money and stuff is better, don't get me wrong, but there's still a lot of stuff that isn't fixed. Mainly in my head I suppose, if I'm honest.

Ah, screw it. I'll tell you exactly what it is. And I'm not proud of this, okay?

The London bombings happened. And all I could think about was Beano. So I asked a friend who knows him, is he okay? And yes, he is. But somehow (blabbermouth bitch) the word obviously got back that I'd asked.

So I received this email:

"And I thought you didn't give a shit. I'm touched."

Jesus, I need him out of my head. I really do. Because I honestly don't want him anymore but...

Okay, I do want him. Just not as much as I want Him. Which is harder than not wanting him, but amounts to the same.

Feel free to email me any spells you have for exorcising Ghosts of Lovers Past.

Mr Sandman

The only thing I don't like about hot weather, other than sweaty smelly people on public transport, is that it seems to make my dreams much more vivid than normal.

Add to this the fact that I read Harry Potter book 6 in under 6 hours on Saturday, and you can imagine the strange dreamworld I got dropped into. I was running up and down endless flights of winding stone stairs, hearing footsteps behind me, fighting and shouting always near but just out of sight. My pursuer was gaining on me, and there was no power in me to run any faster - that dream feeling when your body slows and stops obeying your dream self, no matter how hard you try to run faster.

I felt a hand finally grab my ankle, pulling me down the staircase off balance... and into Beano's arms, the last time we... well, you know, and dream blurred into memories, and I woke up with his whispered words still vibrating in my ear.

Nothing like the Ghost of Lovers Past to start the week off badly.

Young, Free and Single

There are times when I really miss being single.

I don't think I'm a particularly selfish person, but sometimes it gets quite wearing having to always think of someone else before you make any decisions.

I miss my money being mine to spend and mine to allocate. I miss booking flights on a whim according to my own holiday allowance. I miss being part of a huge group of friends who used each other as family.

Oh I don't know. I'm having a wistful day.

My Biggest Fan

aka A Rather Self-Congratulatory Post (feel free to skip it if self-congratulation makes you nauseous)


There was a great episode of Friends where Phoebe was confronted with a guy claiming to be her 'biggest fan'. Her response? "Oh my god, I've always wanted to meet you!" (turns out he was mistaking her for a porn star, but that's not the point).

Anyway, today I had an email from my 'biggest fan' (he loves my '...', amongst other things...). I've never been so flattered.

One of the things I love about this blog, apart from getting my random thoughts down in some semblance of order, and of course the fact that it excuses my current lack of creativity where the novel is concerned, is the emails that it generates. I do love 'meeting' new people.

I've had emails from people in countries as diverse as Australia, Japan, Germany, and Iceland. I'm in slightly bewildered amazement that my rantings could have interested anyone, apart from maybe Jellie, let alone prompted complete strangers to write emails. Most have been lovely endorsements of what I do - and no writer can honestly claim they don't love a few of those! But during the debt crisis I also received some invaluable free legal advice from lawyers Martin and Kate in the UK, and some sound financial advice from financial advisor Lucas in Australia. Not to mention the wonderful peek inside Natwest's call centre, which made me laugh and despair at the same time, from someone I won't name in case she loses her job!

So thank you. I'm amazed/amazingly grateful for every email I've had.

And of course thanks to Matthieu, my biggest fan. You're probably a fruit loop (you'd have to be to think I'm worthy of a 'biggest fan'), but you put a very big smile on my face this morning. These dots are for you...

Malice in Wonderland

Okay, so the weekend blog is really overdue as it's Wednesday, but sometime real life aka work gets in the way of these things...

Saturday was great - chilled, sleepy, perfect.

Sunday involved afternoon drinks and early supper at Cuck and Riptorn's, along with Mars and Venus. Needless to say, it was hell. Amazing how you can sit in a beautiful garden, outside a stunning house, with the sounds of children's laughter tinkling in your ears, and still be put in the bad mood from hell. Christ, those people are a bloody nightmare. No-one, repeat no-one, should be made to sit through two hours of a conversation about the relative merits of local schools. Especially not those of us who don't have sodding children. Bloody breeders (gay term, look it up in the Collins Dictionary of Homosexual-Specific Language).

To add insult to injury, He started drinking Stella (the devil's piss, as far as I'm concerned) which always makes Him start uttering innappropriate comments. Such as 'my wife really wants to shag Gordon Ramsey, don't you honey?'*. Enough said I think.

On the plus side, we did have a damn good bitching session once we got home (when I'd drunk enough water to avert cheap-wine-induced upchucking). Actually, that's another thing. Whenever we go over there, we take a decent bottle of wine - which they then put in a cupboard and trot out discusting stuff from a box for me to drink. Cheapskates. Luckily this time I bought them £1.99 dross from Tesco's discount aisle. Hee hee hee. The small victories are sometimes the most satisfying.

*Yes, I do. Please don't ask me to explain though.

A Piece of Advice

If you're going to marry a man, or in fact even if you're considering getting serious with a man... STOP!

For your own sake, do NOT do this unless his family either live far far away, or are dead/divorced/non-existant.

It sounds harsh, but believe me you'll thank me.

Full details tomorrow...

If You Can Keep Your Head...

I am still in shock, I think. I've soothed, I've calmed, I've methodically texted friends to ensure their safety and wellbeing. I'm rationally reassured students that all will be well...

And then I went to meet Him for five minutes, and cried like a baby.

This world breaks my heart.

An Olympic Effort

I'm confused as to why everyone is so pleased. So I'm going to hide in here til the hysteria has calmed down. I can't see why sacrificing necessary spending on things like education and health in order to give Tony Bleurgh another PR wank is something to celebrate. But anyway. I doubt anyone else agrees with me right now.

Speaking of Olympian tasks, that would just about describe the amount of crap piled up on my desk. So much for a relaxing holiday. My stress levels are back up to 11 (yes, that's a Spinal Tap reference), and I've starting mainlining caffeine again. On the plus side, at least our finances aren't as shite as they have been.

Can't seem to make any decisions about the future at the moment. Usually I live with one eye constantly on the next step, so it's a bit odd. My mind keeps flitting from scenario to scenario. Eventually, I may find this change calming, but now it's just weird. Maybe the problem is that I don't like the present very much...

In other news: every time I shower I get a bit less brown... I have my appraisal tomorrow and am bricking it... my hair doesn't like this weather... I am doing a kind of GI (the diet, not Joe)thing and I like it... my life is boring and I need some excitement...

Eyes Wide Shut

I am knackered.

Being back at work is no fun.

I need some sleep and then some fun, in that order.

*yawn*

Too tired to post something proper.

Why I Am Crap #876,236

He replied.

And wants emailed topless holiday pics.

Obviously I'm not going to do that.

But it has made me grin.

I'm so useless. Why oh why do I still base my self esteem on how many people want to shag me?!

Why I Am Crap #876,235

Please explain to me why despite being in a fantastic, happy, strong relationship, I still really really like men flirting with me, and hate it when they don't.

Accidentally sent a text to a sort-of-ex of mine on Saturday night, when I meant to send it to Sweepy. Immediately sent a further text saying "Oh, ignore me, I text the wrong number". I got a text back from him: "No way, I can't ignore that ;)". Me being me (and a little drunk), I texted back a slightly flirty response.

And got no reply.

Which has really pissed me off.

*sigh*

I am so pathetic sometimes.

I'm Back...

Yes, 'tis I. I'm back in the UK, looking brown and feeling much less stressed. Always a good thing.

The strangest thing about being back is having to wear clothes after two weeks of wandering round in nowt but a pair of skimpy bikini bottoms. I'm sitting here wearing girlboxers, a sloppy jumper and some socks, and even that feels like too many clothes... I must have been a naturist in a former life.

It's nice to be sitting, as it were, in the new blog. I hope all you lovely regular readers have found me okay, and haven't been too traumatised by the need to update your links... I think I like it here. It's nice to have a fresh blank sheet in front of me. Feels a bit like life at the moment...

I have come back feeling much more positive. There was relatively little nasty post awaiting our return, which was quite a relief. And okay, I haven't checked my bank balance yet, but I'm working on the theory that nothing has gone seriously wrong, as my cards still work... Anyway, in my new role as an in-control superwoman I'm sure I can take anything that gets thrown at me from now on.

So, that's me. Welcome to Version 2.0, please enjoy. Normal almost-daily service should be resumed on Monday. I hope you've all missed me...

Big love,

Lady Mook xx